My husband goes out too much.
What do you do when your husband is gone all the time? When he comes home late? When he takes long work trips? When he has multiple evenings out after a regular day at the office?
I got a message from a friend the other day, she is concerned because her soon-to-be husband is out a lot without her! It's a conversation that she isn't sure how to address but needs it to be figured out because she is dealing with it silently and alone.
I told her I had been in a similar position a year or so ago. Sam and I only had Emma and Cyrus, he was working SO hard, which I truly admire, but it was really starting to take a toll on me. The work trips felt like they were non-stop, the three nights a week work dinners that turned into hanging out late making sales were driving me mad! Although we were seeing the fruit of his efforts, I was suffering. Sam was doing all of this in the name of love because his goal was to be able to provide and when you're in sales- its all about building relationship with your customers and partners. I was fine with it at first, I never wanted to be the wife that said "no" or was jealous of his time. But there came a point where I was done. Sam wasn't getting how badly it was effecting me. That part was my fault. I never had the guts to really tell him how it was making me feel. I would just say manipulative things like "well, if thats really what you WANT to do, than do it" or "I guess I am fine with it, what other choice do I have if its providing for the family." Rather than just coming forthright and explaining how it was hurting me, I was skirting around the issues and hoping he'd feel guilty or pick up the hints. He wasn't - hahah. It never works to assume the other person knows how you feel. It's always best to come right out and confront an issue instead of waiting around and hoping they figure it out on their own.
My advice to anyone in this situation is COMPROMISE! I feel like I add that in all of my marriage blogs haha, but seriously - there is nothing greater you can do than meet in the middle. Find something that works for both of you, where both individuals feel like their needs are taken into consideration. For Sam and I, it became - him going out for lunches with customers instead of dinners. Him coming home in the evenings and spending time with me and the kids was vital. Our children need to see their dad every day and have a solid presence of him. We also decided that our time together wouldn't constantly be spent on the phone or in front of the t.v. but that we would make it quality. (obviously we still do those things but we try our best to really enjoy each other when we can) We've opted for sitting at the dinner table after the kids are asleep to play cards, have a glass of wine, and good conversation. This has been MONUMENTAL for me. My love language is quality time and knowing that I have his full attention really fills me up.
Going out is amazing and should be something that everyone is allowed from time to time, but it should not ever take precedence over your family. When you get married and make your commitment, that person becomes your priority and after God - they are the ones you need please. Having a healthy, functional, enjoyable relationship takes good communication and lots of work, but I am here to tell you- IT IS POSSIBLE! And when you get to that point, nothing will feel greater than knowing your spouse is your safest most constant place.
A few take aways!
1. Compromise, compromise, compromise! Meet in the middle. Make sure both needs are met.
2. Don't withhold your spouse from going out but find an agreeable medium. Everyone needs an outlet, make sure it isn't taking precedence over your spouses feelings!
3. Be forthcoming in conversation. Just say how you feel. It's easier said than done, but I promise it will feel like a weight off of your chest and it will get easier to communicate in the future.
4. If you're still single, marry someone who you know will be able to compromise and will put your feelings first. Get counseling, be intentional.
5. PRAY with your spouse, pray over your marriage, ask God for daily guidance and for a humility that prefers the other person above yourself.
I got a message from a friend the other day, she is concerned because her soon-to-be husband is out a lot without her! It's a conversation that she isn't sure how to address but needs it to be figured out because she is dealing with it silently and alone.
I told her I had been in a similar position a year or so ago. Sam and I only had Emma and Cyrus, he was working SO hard, which I truly admire, but it was really starting to take a toll on me. The work trips felt like they were non-stop, the three nights a week work dinners that turned into hanging out late making sales were driving me mad! Although we were seeing the fruit of his efforts, I was suffering. Sam was doing all of this in the name of love because his goal was to be able to provide and when you're in sales- its all about building relationship with your customers and partners. I was fine with it at first, I never wanted to be the wife that said "no" or was jealous of his time. But there came a point where I was done. Sam wasn't getting how badly it was effecting me. That part was my fault. I never had the guts to really tell him how it was making me feel. I would just say manipulative things like "well, if thats really what you WANT to do, than do it" or "I guess I am fine with it, what other choice do I have if its providing for the family." Rather than just coming forthright and explaining how it was hurting me, I was skirting around the issues and hoping he'd feel guilty or pick up the hints. He wasn't - hahah. It never works to assume the other person knows how you feel. It's always best to come right out and confront an issue instead of waiting around and hoping they figure it out on their own.
My advice to anyone in this situation is COMPROMISE! I feel like I add that in all of my marriage blogs haha, but seriously - there is nothing greater you can do than meet in the middle. Find something that works for both of you, where both individuals feel like their needs are taken into consideration. For Sam and I, it became - him going out for lunches with customers instead of dinners. Him coming home in the evenings and spending time with me and the kids was vital. Our children need to see their dad every day and have a solid presence of him. We also decided that our time together wouldn't constantly be spent on the phone or in front of the t.v. but that we would make it quality. (obviously we still do those things but we try our best to really enjoy each other when we can) We've opted for sitting at the dinner table after the kids are asleep to play cards, have a glass of wine, and good conversation. This has been MONUMENTAL for me. My love language is quality time and knowing that I have his full attention really fills me up.
Going out is amazing and should be something that everyone is allowed from time to time, but it should not ever take precedence over your family. When you get married and make your commitment, that person becomes your priority and after God - they are the ones you need please. Having a healthy, functional, enjoyable relationship takes good communication and lots of work, but I am here to tell you- IT IS POSSIBLE! And when you get to that point, nothing will feel greater than knowing your spouse is your safest most constant place.
A few take aways!
1. Compromise, compromise, compromise! Meet in the middle. Make sure both needs are met.
2. Don't withhold your spouse from going out but find an agreeable medium. Everyone needs an outlet, make sure it isn't taking precedence over your spouses feelings!
3. Be forthcoming in conversation. Just say how you feel. It's easier said than done, but I promise it will feel like a weight off of your chest and it will get easier to communicate in the future.
4. If you're still single, marry someone who you know will be able to compromise and will put your feelings first. Get counseling, be intentional.
5. PRAY with your spouse, pray over your marriage, ask God for daily guidance and for a humility that prefers the other person above yourself.
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