Getting personal.
I want to share a story with y'all that I haven't told many people outside of my family. After I had Emma 4 years ago (this friday to be exact... what happened to my baby girl?! UGH) I became a fear stricken parent. Every night going to sleep I would have horrible images flash through my mind of Emma getting kidnapped, my kids not being protected, not being able to keep them safe etc. I was literally engulfed in fear for a long period of time. Sam would have to pray over me every night just so that I would be able to fall asleep. Seriously, it was no joke. I never really opened up about it because it revealed that I had an issue with God and I wasn't ready to work it out yet. I wasn't trusting Him with my kids. He was bringing these fears up in me so we could deal with it head on together.
It's not easy when God brings something so heavy to the surface. But I needed it to be resolved and soon because I was driving myself to the point of insanity. Finally, one night I was laying in bed - Sam was out of town on a work trip and I was pregnant with Cyrus, it was the night of the presidential election. I was laying there thinking "geez, I feel so hopeless... theres no good option here.. this country needs Jesus etc.." I finally became honest with myself & God and said "God, I don't think I trust you. I think I can do a better job than you can because I am here in the flesh and I am with my kids all day every day. I feel like if I say that I trust you, you're going to test me in it and my kids are going to get taken or something bad will happen." (I am being brutally honest here, bear with me.) What a crazy viewpoint of God I had gotten to, thinking He was just waiting to gain my trust and then make me prove it to Him. Ugh- I have to say, that is NOT how the Lord works, He's so much better than we could ever fathom.
ANYWAYS. Goodness. I feel like I'm scrambling trying to get my thoughts together. So, that night, I finally fell asleep with those questions and thoughts on my mind... Finally around 3 am, I woke up to the smell of a stinky diaper. It was nasty, not the most pleasant way to be awoken if you've ever had it happen to you. Emma was across the house in her crib, both of our doors were shut, there was no way I would be able to smell a dirty diaper all that way. I got up to go check on her because I had instant fear set in again, when I got to her room she was sound asleep - I checked her diaper and she had a horrible stinky diaper. I changed her and put her back in her crib, she never even woke up.
I walked back to my room so confused on how that could have possibly happened. When I laid back down, I heard the Lord inwardly speak to me "Kendall, even when you are sleeping, I am watching over your children. You have nothing to fear because I am unlike you. I never have to rest, I never look away, and I am always with them." In a moment, peace washed over me in a way that I had never experienced before. I fell right to sleep and the fears had been taken away. I won't say that they don't try to creep back in and steal my peace- but I will speak the truth out loud. Fear wants to steal your peace, fear wants to keep you from growing, it wants to keep you from living. Don't let it. Be real and vulnerable with God - I promise He will encounter you. He will meet you where you are at and show you how much hope you can have in Him.
If you are struggling with fear or anything else honestly - please don't hesitate to reach out. I would love to pray with you, to chat with you, to be a listening ear, whatever you need.
It's not easy when God brings something so heavy to the surface. But I needed it to be resolved and soon because I was driving myself to the point of insanity. Finally, one night I was laying in bed - Sam was out of town on a work trip and I was pregnant with Cyrus, it was the night of the presidential election. I was laying there thinking "geez, I feel so hopeless... theres no good option here.. this country needs Jesus etc.." I finally became honest with myself & God and said "God, I don't think I trust you. I think I can do a better job than you can because I am here in the flesh and I am with my kids all day every day. I feel like if I say that I trust you, you're going to test me in it and my kids are going to get taken or something bad will happen." (I am being brutally honest here, bear with me.) What a crazy viewpoint of God I had gotten to, thinking He was just waiting to gain my trust and then make me prove it to Him. Ugh- I have to say, that is NOT how the Lord works, He's so much better than we could ever fathom.
ANYWAYS. Goodness. I feel like I'm scrambling trying to get my thoughts together. So, that night, I finally fell asleep with those questions and thoughts on my mind... Finally around 3 am, I woke up to the smell of a stinky diaper. It was nasty, not the most pleasant way to be awoken if you've ever had it happen to you. Emma was across the house in her crib, both of our doors were shut, there was no way I would be able to smell a dirty diaper all that way. I got up to go check on her because I had instant fear set in again, when I got to her room she was sound asleep - I checked her diaper and she had a horrible stinky diaper. I changed her and put her back in her crib, she never even woke up.
I walked back to my room so confused on how that could have possibly happened. When I laid back down, I heard the Lord inwardly speak to me "Kendall, even when you are sleeping, I am watching over your children. You have nothing to fear because I am unlike you. I never have to rest, I never look away, and I am always with them." In a moment, peace washed over me in a way that I had never experienced before. I fell right to sleep and the fears had been taken away. I won't say that they don't try to creep back in and steal my peace- but I will speak the truth out loud. Fear wants to steal your peace, fear wants to keep you from growing, it wants to keep you from living. Don't let it. Be real and vulnerable with God - I promise He will encounter you. He will meet you where you are at and show you how much hope you can have in Him.
If you are struggling with fear or anything else honestly - please don't hesitate to reach out. I would love to pray with you, to chat with you, to be a listening ear, whatever you need.
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