We all know marriage isn't 50/50...
Lets rewind. Picture this, 6 years ago, Sam and me sitting in our marriage counseling session. We were talking through some things that needed to get worked out before making our commitment to one another. My sister and her husband were awesome enough to take the time to help us & prepare for what we were diving into!
As we all have heard, marriage is NOT 50/50.. As my sister was saying that - I said "Oh I know this, marriage isn't 50/50 because its 100/100! You both have to put in the full effort for it to work out." Me in all my pre-marriage knowledge was soooo confident that I knew the key to success. I was ready to give. it. my. all. Especially if he was going to give 100, too!
Here's the thing, marriage is NOT 50/50, but it is also not 100/100 either... The thing that stuck out to me in all of my marriage counseling sessions was this... marriage is 100/0. Yes, you read that right. 100 to 0. How does that make any sense? I'm not going to sign up to give my all to someone who doesn't want to give anything in return... but it's not like that. On our wedding day, we both vowed to give 100%. If you're married or even in a committed relationship, you have realized that we don't always operate at 100, probably rarely do we operate out our full potential. Sometimes, your spouse is giving you 0 - BUT that doesn't change the fact that YOU committed your 100. Even when your spouse is being mean, hurtful, ignorant, uncompassionate - YOU still made your commitment to give it your all.
That being said, in my very short 5 years into this marriage thing - I've encountered a couple times where I was giving 100 and Sam was giving 0, and vice versa. But I'm not responsible for his 100. I am only being held to the vows that I made. There will be times in your life where your spouse isn't putting forth the effort, isn't coming through like they said they would.. be patient, be kind, give your all - regardless. Love flourishes when faults are forgiven. Sam and I have learned that, a lot, this past year. Forgiveness is the key. Having a healthy relationship comes from two people willing to roll with the punches and forgive easily - and not EVER holding their faults over their head. It is not easy, but I can say when you decide to put in your full 100, even their 0 won't be able to stop you from giving them your all.
5 tips to a healthier marriage!
1. Marriage is a serious thing, before you make the commitment or even if you are already married - PLEASE get marriage counseling. Make sure it is someone you can trust and that is wise in their counsel. We refer back to our counseling sessions often! (thanks Lyd & Jim)
2. Don't have hidden expectations. Your spouse is not a mind reader. Be open and communicate your needs, kindly.
3. Don't set your expectations too high. Give lots of grace, but don't set an expectation that they'll never be able to meet. Be realistic in what you expect of them.
4. Forgive and really forgive. Don't let their fault linger over their head. Never once has Jesus brought up a past sin of yours that has been forgiven. Let it go. (I feel like I say that in almost all of my blogs.. haha - so just do it, let it go.)
5. The world does not revolve around you! Ouch. Think bigger than yourself, get out of your own way, give love, and expand your capacity to love in a greater measure. YOU CAN DO IT!
***Disclaimer - I am NEVER suggesting to be or stay in any type of abusive relationship. If you are, please seek help and/or counseling.
Call (800) 799-7233 or message WWW.thehotline.org for more information.
As we all have heard, marriage is NOT 50/50.. As my sister was saying that - I said "Oh I know this, marriage isn't 50/50 because its 100/100! You both have to put in the full effort for it to work out." Me in all my pre-marriage knowledge was soooo confident that I knew the key to success. I was ready to give. it. my. all. Especially if he was going to give 100, too!
Here's the thing, marriage is NOT 50/50, but it is also not 100/100 either... The thing that stuck out to me in all of my marriage counseling sessions was this... marriage is 100/0. Yes, you read that right. 100 to 0. How does that make any sense? I'm not going to sign up to give my all to someone who doesn't want to give anything in return... but it's not like that. On our wedding day, we both vowed to give 100%. If you're married or even in a committed relationship, you have realized that we don't always operate at 100, probably rarely do we operate out our full potential. Sometimes, your spouse is giving you 0 - BUT that doesn't change the fact that YOU committed your 100. Even when your spouse is being mean, hurtful, ignorant, uncompassionate - YOU still made your commitment to give it your all.
That being said, in my very short 5 years into this marriage thing - I've encountered a couple times where I was giving 100 and Sam was giving 0, and vice versa. But I'm not responsible for his 100. I am only being held to the vows that I made. There will be times in your life where your spouse isn't putting forth the effort, isn't coming through like they said they would.. be patient, be kind, give your all - regardless. Love flourishes when faults are forgiven. Sam and I have learned that, a lot, this past year. Forgiveness is the key. Having a healthy relationship comes from two people willing to roll with the punches and forgive easily - and not EVER holding their faults over their head. It is not easy, but I can say when you decide to put in your full 100, even their 0 won't be able to stop you from giving them your all.
5 tips to a healthier marriage!
1. Marriage is a serious thing, before you make the commitment or even if you are already married - PLEASE get marriage counseling. Make sure it is someone you can trust and that is wise in their counsel. We refer back to our counseling sessions often! (thanks Lyd & Jim)
2. Don't have hidden expectations. Your spouse is not a mind reader. Be open and communicate your needs, kindly.
3. Don't set your expectations too high. Give lots of grace, but don't set an expectation that they'll never be able to meet. Be realistic in what you expect of them.
4. Forgive and really forgive. Don't let their fault linger over their head. Never once has Jesus brought up a past sin of yours that has been forgiven. Let it go. (I feel like I say that in almost all of my blogs.. haha - so just do it, let it go.)
5. The world does not revolve around you! Ouch. Think bigger than yourself, get out of your own way, give love, and expand your capacity to love in a greater measure. YOU CAN DO IT!
***Disclaimer - I am NEVER suggesting to be or stay in any type of abusive relationship. If you are, please seek help and/or counseling.
Call (800) 799-7233 or message WWW.thehotline.org for more information.
Yes. With Gods help we can give 100%
ReplyDeleteAwesome Ken! It took me a long time to learn the 100/0 principle....and in that moment, when Bill was in his last few months and was simply not able to give, it all became very CLEAR!. There was nothing I wouldn't have done...anything he asked or needed was handled...even through the hurt, I finally understood the "give your all" thing! You are a very wise young lady! Love your writings! The Good News is that God gave me another chance to put my experience and "learning" into practice. Have to say that it is an amazing way to live! Love you!
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